Mothers Day

Bob and Sue left yesterday...and I am still blogging!
I was going through any pictures taken since the "recliner"- and realized there's a lot.
Here's a few that were taken on our first mothers day with Samuel.

My first mothers day breakfast in bed.
All the Wits End Moms sharing:
Brunch at church:
Samuel brought me to 3rd Place Books, gave me some cash and a few hours to explore.

Coke Cans

The other night I got Samuel ready for bed, went to put some things in the frig and turned around to this!!

(yes I had the camera right there ready for such shots:)

So I thought, I'll just see how high he can go.

Six was no problem.

On the 7th one, now taller than him, it started tipping.

For those of you who know how much I love Coke, you will notice I let this experiment happen with Rob's Diet Coke.

Decisions

How do you make decision?

I'm an analytical person- list of pros and cons and spreadsheets that weight different values.
I'm a person of faith- lots of prayer, listening and noticing.
I'm an ESFJ- so whatever that might mean for decision making- along with externally processing it all.

I mention all of this to talk about a decision I made a month ago. I was forwarded a job description. Not just any job description, but one that sounded like it was made just for me. It combined finance- using my mba and analytical skills, purpose- a non profit that I believe in and a focus on at-risk girls and women- playing into my all womens college eduation that always draws me into strenghtening and bringing tenderness into womens lives.

And it was 15 hours a week. And the pay was great- on par for a full time job.

So of course I would apply for it. At least apply and see what happens. The next hour I would think, I love staying home with Samuel- I'm not going to apply. But only 15 hours a week- that's nothing. I could work 3 five hour days or 5 three hour days or maybe 2 full days- I'll apply. But I went through a similiar decision last fall and made the decision to stay home- I'll not apply.

And so went my own "mommy wars" in my mind.

And so increased the conversation I had with Rob and with my mom and with friends. Keep in mind this was only in the decision to apply. If it caused this much thought, why not at least apply and it might not even be a decision I have to make. But deep in my soul it seemed so important to know what I wanted, to have some intention.

I honestly couldn't figure it out. Couldn't figure out why I changed day by day. How can I feel so differently moment by moment?

And then one day at the childrens museum, I had a revelation. I was watching Samuel play. I loved watching his intensity as he was figuring out how the water flowed. With tears, I thought, this is what I want. I want to spend this season with him...and am grateful it is an option, although not without sacrifice. And I knew I wasn't going to apply for the job, that I didn't want to work 15 hours a week....and for a moment felt freedom from guilt for that thought.

And then I asked God, will I change my mind tomorrow? Why do I keep changing?

And it felt so clear. "I do not feel I am making this decision just for me. I am making it for all women." As I have reflected on that, I realized I couldn't hear my own voice due to all the other voices, important voices. In this season, I had knowledge of what I wanted- but felt it was "irresponsible" or "selfish" to decide just for me. Does that make sense?

I was feeling that if I stayed home I was saying all women should stay home. And if I worked I was saying women should work. I don't feel either one of those is true. There are a lot of circumstances, desires, gifting that lead women to making one or the other decisions. Along with a lot of the same that lead women into feeling they "have to" stay home or work.

I asked Rob if he understood. And he said yes...but "I have never felt I am making a decision for all white men." Interesting. As much as I knew I wasn't obviously wasn't deciding for all, I felt such weight in what I decided.

Through this process, being able to identify why I was struggling, I feel I have come out on the other side with a freedom. To be able to say, without defense, I am going to stay home. I do not think it is the "right" thing to do. I do not know if it is what I will decide in another season of life. But I am confident it is what my heart and soul is calling forth from me.

So how do you make decisions?
And for women, have you been caught in the mommy wars? And how do you hear what your heart is calling you to?

love
melanie

One Year Ago

One year ago today:

• We woke up at the Marriott in Guatemala City.
• We packed up luggage and held a sleepy baby at 4am as a shuttle headed to the airport.
• We planned out how much formula would be needed and worried if the security would let it through.
• We boarded our flight to Houston and wondered what Samuel's first flight would be like.



• We landed in Houston and waited in the Immigrations room for our interview.
• We said good bye to Mamu and Papa.
• We boarded another flight, a longer flight to Seattle.
• We landed in Seattle and were greeted by Abuela who had just flown in from MN and by Nathan who had long prayed for this moment.
• We brought Samuel into our home and gave him a tour and he giggled, impressive after a long long day of travel
• We checked in on him sleeping in his crib about every 10 minute, to make sure he is breathing.

One year ago today:

• Our life changed.
• Our dreams came true.
• Our new path as parents began.
• And we still check on him sleeping in his crib, just to watch the peacefulness as he sleeps.

Rob's Parents are here....

They arrived this morning and one of the first things Sue said to me is "I will watch Samuel and you can update your blog this week!" She is not the only one who has commented on my lack of blogging.

Friends from college who live far away emailing to tell me how much they loved it when I used to blog......my brother in law who has said he is going to remove me from his blogroll if I don't post soon.....co-workers of Rob's at Mars Hill who have missed seeing new pictures of Samuel.

I have lots of posts in my head, they just haven't quite made it to my blog.

And so this post is a "teaser" to say look forward to me blogging and posting pictures in this upcoming week!!

Actually tomorrow is an extremely important day. One year ago tomorrow (10/12/07), we left Guatemala with Samuel in our arms...and we arrived in Seattle. It has gone by so quickly and yet, I can not remember life without him.

More reflections to come.

And oh, here is a more recent picture of Samuel.

love
melanie

The Recliner

The day Rob turned 37, a leather recliner was delivered to our door. (Something about 37 is old enough to have your first recliner....Here is a pic from his bday party that evening) He was so excited. He loves it- sitting right in the corner by the windows- he drinks his coffee there, prays there, lays back and stares out the windows there, watches baseball games from there, reads theology books from there, has interesting conversations with me from there, and types long thoughts onto his laptop there (which is what he is doing right this minute).

And now, just slightly over a year since that chair was delivered, he holds Samuel from there, tickles Samuel from there, reads to Samuel from there, hugs Samuel from there, laughs loudly with Samuel from there and teaches Samuel from there.

Here are some recent pictures of that.

Six Months

April 12th marked the six month anniversary of our plane touching ground in Seattle, of Samuel's first day in our home, first night sleeping in his crib.
A few Fridays ago we had our last social worker visit. Samuel always "shines" for those visits, it's like he is being interviewed and brings out all of his "tricks" to show- do you want me to clap, say mama, run around the room, bring you a ball, laugh hysterically, I can do it all for you. M (our sw) delights in him- and in seeing all my "attaching in adoption" books lying around the house, assures me he is doing well.
I know deep in my heart that he is- that is adjusting, that he loves us and trusts us- that he is flourishing- growing, exploring, testing. Some days, even knowing that, I cry over the loss he has endured, that he will not face for a while. I cry thinking of his foster mom- who from her emails I know misses him deeply. I cry wondering about his "first" family- do they think about him every day- wondering if he is walking, what he looks like?
I cry because I can not answer the questions he will have someday. But I can give him my tears- now and when that one day comes.
I love him so deeply- miss him when he is sleeping, stare at him when he is playing, laugh with him when he dances around the room. He is so full of personality- of passion- every moment is one of extreme happiness and laughter, or grave disappointment. He doesn't seem to live much in the middle. Except his daily afternoon break, when he says, mama I need a little alone time and scoots off to his room, where he pulls every, yes every book off the shelf, in search of just the perfect one for that given day. And once he finds it, plops down in the middle of them all, and "reads" it- over and over and over. It's one of my favorite moments of the day- when I peak in, and he doesn't see me. And I watch him telling himself a story with words I don't yet understand. And about 30 min later he emerges, refreshed and ready for another adventure.
Eight months of his life in Guatemala, six months of his life here.
All of those months shaping who he will be- and yet they are not the final determiner. It will always be part of his story that he is adopted, that he had mothers that loved him a lot, and that failed him (as I am already aware of in my own human limitations). He will have things that the world will say are limitations and that are advantages. Thank you God that you are larger, that there is more to the story you are writing through Samuel- more than the facts of this life, more than the circumstances- they will add description, but you will develop the soul.
Thank you that I have the privilege of being around for the process. Keep teaching me how to teach, to nurture, to have wisdom....and to hold it all loosely.