Target and Motherhood

Last Friday I was at Target buying diaper wipes for our trip, and it just hit me how much I felt like a mother standing there in the aisle. Part of me wondered, do I belong here? There are mothers all around me, buying diapers and formula and diaper rash medicine. But the sign that they are mothers is more definitive, they have babies with them.

Here I stand alone, do they know I am buying these for myself, not for someone else?

Do I believe I am buying them for myself?

After so much loss and so much hope and then more loss, there is a part of me that feels this is pretend. I have gone through the motions before- prepared a whole nursery for our Rose whom we almost adopted. Had showers and gifts given. We discussed with the birthmom that Rob would cut the umbilical cord, and that the birthmom would bring the clothes for the baby to wear home from the hospital.

And yet, this is different....DNA test have been done, birthmom consent has been made. To all others it probably seems so clear that Samuel will be ours. For me that is slowly becoming more real. I hadn't realized how much I was moving through motions that he will be ours- cognitively knowing that, but a small part of me still prepared for the No to crash in (as in my previous post of my poem).

Standing in the diaper aisle at Target was a step in that direction. A step into motherhood. It was hard to pick out diaper wipes through my blurry eyes. I am a mother I kept saying to myself. I am a mother.

I have been a mother for almost seven years. Children that I carried in my womb...a total I think of 55 weeks. And I have offered life to many people and gone through pain to have dreams borne. I have learned perserverance and patience. And I know I have been a mother and that God has taught me and gifted me with those experiences.


But in Target, in the diaper aisle.....I became a mother again. And I'm beginning to believe it.

Season of No

Below is a poem I wrote in the spring or summer of 2004.
I read it at my MOPS talk and thought I'd post it here....it gives some perspective to what it is for me to hope again, hope that Samuel will really be our son, hope that buying diaper wipes at Target isn't in vain, hoping that in a week we really will be holding our son.

Season of No
Walking in this land
has become familiar.
Searching for an answer
to my barrenness.
At the crux of each hill
Dreams invite,
This may be the one.

But at the top of the hill
No crashes in.
Thunder and lightening
Clouds grey
Sometimes complete darkness.

The form No takes is limitless.
my own body betraying us
rejecting the life growing…
And again- just to ensure we remember

Another mother saying yes.
and then as life comes
a change of heart.
One No and the landscape changes.
Rose no longer ours…
And again- just to ensure we remember

A new hill appears before us,
one we didn’t pursue.
A yes
Hope again companions us,
Labors up the hill
And then termination
Of a life
Aborting dreams of ours.

Each month is another No
Mocking
What seems a natural path
For all others.


Sometimes I want to stay
At the top of the hill
Never journey further
Here it is safe and I am protected.

Sometimes I want to run
to the next hill
Flee from where I am.
I’ll be more aggressive
Demand the yes.

But I sit at the top
In darkness
And mourn
Weep
Grieve

Shouts of anger
Rage
At the one who could
have made this different.
I should have known better.

Weary legs amaze me
When they rise
Responding

To a cry from within
I don’t want to hear.
You are made to give life
This is your desire.

Hope, can you possibly be
brave enough,
Strong enough
To keep showing up?
With no guarantees
In this messiness
To walk through this season
Where every hill is
NO

My brother in laws letter

Ted (Rob's brother) posted a letter to Samuel on his blog.
And while you are there, stay a while- he is a great writer and one of my favorite bloggers.
(And favorite brothers for that matter)

Melanie

MOPS Talk

Hello
I am touched that a woman (Jen) from our church community asked if I would speak at her MOPS group Tues morning. I'll be sharing my journey into motherhood and who God has been in that.

I read this morning in a psalm, "O give thanks to the Lord, call on his name, make known his deeds among the people." And felt God saying that is what you need to do, make my deeds in your "long winding road to Samuel" known in this MOPS group.

So if you think of it, please pray that will be true.

love
melanie

And the medical report....

came this morning.

He had his doctors appt on 5/3 ( a few days before 3 months old).

He weighed 12 lbs and was 60 cm (about 23.6 inches)
On the report it says he is in the 96th percentile for weight and 98th percentile for height- based on Guatemala averages. (In the US charts he would be about 25th percentile)

The report states that he has had shots for: Polio, DTP, HIB, BCG, Hep B and Rotavirus.
And that he "dice gu gu, sostiene la cabeza y sigue objectos con la mirada- buenas condiciones". He coos, supports his head and follows objects with this eyes- he is in good condition.

How amazing it is that we receive these reports...and will have them for Samuel to know some of his first months of life. A thousand miles away and yet my heart beats with his.

New Pictures!!

We received new pictures today. I believe they were taken at his three month checkup...there was not a medical report along with the pics. Hopefully that will come soon.


















He is in one of the outfits that we sent to him.







What do you think of him??!!

Video!!!

Rob was out mowing the yard this afternoon and the UPS truck pulled up....it was a video of Samuel!! We have watched it about 10 times thus far.

It was taken on April 20th- he was ten weeks old then.

He is unbelieveably cute (moms can say that right?). He is moving his arms around and cooing. His eyes are big and following everything. One of my favorite parts is when they have him on his tummy- he does a great job holding his head up. He holds it up for a while and then boom- it quickly drops and he smashes his face. (ok, smashes might be a little dramatic). I said "oww...that looks like that hurt". But he quickly lifts it right back up- I don't think it phased him. I think we may have to work on me not worrying too much that he is going to get hurt. I suppose that comes after a few months of discovering he's not as breakable as I might think.

And another favorite part is when he sneezes- about four times in a row. The social worker responds, "salud", now I know what to say when he sneezes.

It came on VHS, if we can, we will record it to a DVD and put part of it here for you to see.

Hooray for videos!

Guatemalan Congress- May 15th session

Well, we are back from a very restful trip. We read a lot and wrote a lot (yes, we each brought our own laptop and were often typing away- restful typing). And we looked at the ocean a lot.

This morning I wanted to ask for you to pray for the Guatemalan Congress who meets tomorrow (Tues the 15th) for their last session until August. There is much going on in the world of Guatemalan adoptions- mainly centering around the implementation of the Hague Convention. The hope is that reform will be best for children and their safety. However over the last few months there have been varied reports and suggestions that some of the nuances of law being voted on would not be best for children or would bring future adoptions to a halt.

Our adoption is at a point in the process where it would continue, but could feel the effects of extra scrutiny that may cause delays. That has already been the case, for when we first looked into Guatemalan adoption, it was typical to hear of babies coming home when they were 4 or 5 months old. Now 6 months is the youngest and 8-9 months more "typical". So thanks to a wonderful agency, we entered the process knowing there would be bumps and delays as new laws were sorted out.

There were a few weeks in Feb that we were concerned if we would be able to adopt- and while that "fear" has passed, there is great concern for the future of Guatemalan adoptions. We would love Samuel to have a sibling from Guatemala and hope that adoptions remain open.

The US has given Guatemala until the end of this year to become Hague compliant...and hence the vote in Congress tomorrow. They are moving in that direction- and it will be needed for future adoptions.....pray that:

• the laws will be implemented in such a way that brings life and safety to children's futures
• personal agendas are removed as obstacles
• those who vote have wisdom and discernment
• God protects the process from things that distract, distort and cast doubt
  

This is a really brief overview and there are many more intricacies to the whole process. If you would like to read more, check out one of these links:

http://www.guatadopt.com/ (written by adoptive parent advocates)
http://jcics.org/ (Joint Council on International Children Services)
http://www.adaguatemala.org/English/news/ (ADA is a Guatemalan attorney advocate group)
http://travel.state.gov/family/adoption/intercountry/intercountry_482.html (US government)

Also note that each of these sites has their own slant or purpose in writing. But in reading all of them I feel I have been able to have a balanced perspective.

Happy Monday.

Travel Plans

The first of our travel plans announcements is that we are heading to the Oregon coast for our 7 year anniversary. (Our anniversary is on 5/13, which is also mothers day and our sister in law Karen's bday) We are looking forward to a restful four days- beginning now!

Second- it looks like we will be traveling to Guatemala around 6/3 and staying for the week. That means we will be there for Samuel's 4 month bday.

That's all for now!

Happy 3 Month Birthday!!

Today Samuel is 3 months old.

I wonder what he is doing today?
How many hours does he sleep at night?
What are his naps like during the day?
How is he eating?

I try to envision him at 3 months- I read a lot of what babies are doing at 3 months old.
I look at our pictures where you can tell he has been waving his arms and kicking his legs and crying. I want to be with each step of his development.
Our friends Heather and Jonas gave us a set of booklets, one for each month. I read them cover to cover. My dear friend Julie had her son Nate just 4 days before Samuel was born....and I ask her in Massachusetts what is he doing now?

All of that helps. It moves Samuel from a still photograph to a three month old baby I can almost touch and feel in my arms.

Happy Birthday Samuel!!
We can't wait for the day to hear you cry because you are hungry and to worry because your ear aches and to be amazed when you roll over and fall in love when you giggle.

Love
Mom and Dad

99.99%

That percentage could represent a lot of things....
but today it represents a DNA match!!

This is one of many steps, but for us is significant in that we can now go visit Samuel!!

I'm heading to check out flights right now!

One last post for the day

Since I haven't blogged the first months of this adoption journey, I have so much in my head that I want to come out through my typing.

Here are a few of my other random thoughts I'd like to share and facts you might want to know.
Samuel was born on 2/7/07 at 8pm (that's central time)
He weighed 6lbs 4oz and was 19.3 inches long.
He was born in Mazatenango- in southwestern Guatemala- heading towards the Pacific Ocean from Guatemala City.

When we received his first medical update, I instantly became a mom. (I hesitate in saying that because I have been a mother to several children that I never held in my arms and I have been a mother symbolically through other ways of creating and bringing life to the world around me, but that is for another discussion). But I became a mom in the sense that I immediately went to look up to see what is typical weight gain and growing for infants. I learned that during the first 6 months babies gain on average 1-2 lbs per month and grow 1 inch.

So of course I was very proud to see that Samuel had gained 2.5lbs per month (and continued to do so his second month as well) and had grown over an inch. And if he hadn't I'm sure there would have been other things I would have been proud of. But what I'm highlighting is that sense of I am a mother and I am responsible for this child.

Responsible that he eats and grows.
Responsible to soothe him when he cries.
Responsible for his safety and protection.

And someday I will be responsible to...
let him choose what to eat
And to suffer when he cries and I can't soothe him
And to trust his safety and protection to something beyond my arms reach.

And thoughts like this are why a few weeks ago as I was falling asleep and Rob was reading- that I said with sudden realization, "Rob, what will I do when Samuel is 13? I don't know anything about 13 year old boys! What will I do with a teenage boy?"

To which Rob responded calmly (confirming why I married him), and without missing a beat, "Don't worry, I'll take over then."

Goodnight.

Pictures

Here are pictures of Samuel that we have received thus far.

From his referral pictures at 2 days old:

To on his 1 month birthday:

And at 2 Months old:

And our most recent ones- here he is 2.5 months and besides him are some things from the package we sent down to him:

Process Overview

We have loved how involved so many have wanted to be in our process- even to the point of remembering which form is which. You probably never knew you would be asking "Did you get your I171H in the mail today?" or "Has the DNA charge hit your credit card yet?".

Of course one of the most popular questions is "When will Samuel be home?"

With that all important question in mind, here is a general summary of the whole Guatemalan adoption process:
(Note: I have written the process first, followed by our specific case progress in italics)

1. Homestudy- this is a series of writing autobiographies, discussing our future parenting styles, filling out forms, having references and home visits by a state licensed adoption agency. At the end of this, a family is "approved" by the agency to be fit to adopt.
This part of the process for us was approx Nov and Dec 2006.

2. After the homestudy is completed and written up, it is submitted along with form I600A ("advance petition for an orphan" form) to US Immigrations.
This was the drive we took to Yakima WA on 1/17/07. (And it was also Liza's bday!)

3. Once I600A is submitted, wait for fingerprint appt to be scheduled. After fingerprints are complete, wait for I171H approval.
We had our fingerprints taken on the same day that we drove to Yakima- thanks for praying about that. I171H approval typically takes 1-3 months. Ours came in a little over 2 weeks on 2/5/07.

4. Dossier is prepared. This is the huge stack of paperwork- from reference forms, to medical letters, to name affidavits of every possible way our name could be spelled, to certified birth certificates, to employment forms and so much more. "Typically" this is gathered while you would wait for your I171H to come.
Since our I171H came more quickly than we anticipated, we scrambled to pull all the dossier together. That was the time of searching for notaries to come to our doctors office with us, and drives to Olympia for state seals. Feb 6th- 15th was consumed by this!

5. Dossier along with I171H is submitted to our agency.
Our dossier was mailed on 2/16 and received by our agency's main office on 2/19.

6. Agency reviews dossier and forwards to the Guatemalan consulate in the US for authentication and then is sent to Guatemala. Typically 1-3 weeks at consulate.
Up until this point, things were moving really fast for us. Our dossier spent quite a while at the consulate- approximately seven weeks. The month of March mainly consisted of our documents being at the Guatemalan consulate for authentication.

7. Wait for a referral. This time varies....(the referral can come once dossier above is submitted and often comes once the dossier is already in Guatemala)
Our referral came quickly- on 2/20/07, the day after our dossier was received by our agency. Samuel was born on 2/7/07- so he was only 13 days old when we had our referral.

8. Acceptance of referral and sending acceptance documents- Power of Attorney (POA) and character references and a few other forms.
Thanks Nathan and Julia for saying we "are people of good habits"...and to Mom for being our Minnesota Sec of State contact. Our acceptance docs and POA were submitted to our agency on 2/27/07.

9. Acceptance docs and POA are submitted to Guatemalan consulate in the US for authentication and then sent to Guatemala.
Since our referral was so close to the date we handed in our dossier, these docs were sent only a week after our dossier and actually ended up passing our dossier- ie they got through the consulate faster. So our acceptance papers were to Guatemala before our dossier.

10. Documents are translated, legalized and protocolized in Guatemala. (Time frame 3-5 weeks once in Guatemala)
Our acceptance documents are completed, we believe this is still where our dossier documents are.

11. DNA testing is authorized. This is a US requirement to ensure the mother who place the child for adoption is indeed the birth mother.
Our DNA test was authorized on 4/18/07. The famous DNA charge hit our credit card on 4/23/07. (It's one of the few credit card charges in life that you are excited to see!)

12. DNA is completed- and wait for confirmation of a match.
This is where we are currently in the process as of 5/3/07. Also, once we have a DNA match, our agency allows us to travel to meet Samuel!! We are hoping to do that end of May or beginning of June.

13. Parallel to the DNA process our case enters Family Court where a social worker is assigned our case.

14. Exit Family Court.

15. Wait for PreApproval (PA). (PA is currently taking about 45 days)

16. Enter Procuraduría General de la Nación (PGN)-equivalent to the attorney generals office. This is the part that really varies. Many families are kicked out of PGN 3-5 times. Often what needs correcting can be done on the Guatemalan end. Sometimes we may be required to make the change (ie an invalid notary, missing document, etc). I have heard of a few families who have gone through with no kickouts in about 6 weeks. The average time is 2-3 months (including the kick outs and resubmits)

17. Get the exciting phone call that we are OUT of PGN!

18. Wait for birth certificate to be issued and some other final documentation.

19. Wait for issuance of PINK. (I can't remember what that stands for). But with this comes our embassy appt day and time. ie Be at the US Embassy in Guatemala City on 10/15/07 at 7:45am.

20. Travel to Guatemala to bring Samuel home!!

I will have all of you know that I typed that from memory, I didn't even look at my Bethany time frame or process!!
Which means I have spent a lot of time thinking about all of this...and that I may have left something out (especially after the exiting of PGN). But is definitely a feel for the overall process.

So to answer the question when will we bring Samuel home- we don't know for sure! As you can see there is much variance in the process and places where some things happen quickly and others more slowly.

The earliest I would guess would be end of August. More realistically, Oct or Nov. We both picture him spending his first Christmas with us as the outside realm of having him home by. There are days I think, what if he is here by the end of the summer and days I prepare myself for not celebrating his first birthday with him. Of course we are praying it will be as fast as possible and hoping for that to be...

We have known what it is like to have bumps along the road- here is to praying that we don't get stuck in the bumps, but that our vision can arise beyond the road and see what lies ahead.

Thank you for praying that we don't give up- that we don't give up hope, that we don't give up persevering, that we don't give up kissing Samuel good night each night and saying he will be home soon.

I don't know what day he will arrive here, but I do know that today we are one day closer to it.