Six Months

April 12th marked the six month anniversary of our plane touching ground in Seattle, of Samuel's first day in our home, first night sleeping in his crib.
A few Fridays ago we had our last social worker visit. Samuel always "shines" for those visits, it's like he is being interviewed and brings out all of his "tricks" to show- do you want me to clap, say mama, run around the room, bring you a ball, laugh hysterically, I can do it all for you. M (our sw) delights in him- and in seeing all my "attaching in adoption" books lying around the house, assures me he is doing well.
I know deep in my heart that he is- that is adjusting, that he loves us and trusts us- that he is flourishing- growing, exploring, testing. Some days, even knowing that, I cry over the loss he has endured, that he will not face for a while. I cry thinking of his foster mom- who from her emails I know misses him deeply. I cry wondering about his "first" family- do they think about him every day- wondering if he is walking, what he looks like?
I cry because I can not answer the questions he will have someday. But I can give him my tears- now and when that one day comes.
I love him so deeply- miss him when he is sleeping, stare at him when he is playing, laugh with him when he dances around the room. He is so full of personality- of passion- every moment is one of extreme happiness and laughter, or grave disappointment. He doesn't seem to live much in the middle. Except his daily afternoon break, when he says, mama I need a little alone time and scoots off to his room, where he pulls every, yes every book off the shelf, in search of just the perfect one for that given day. And once he finds it, plops down in the middle of them all, and "reads" it- over and over and over. It's one of my favorite moments of the day- when I peak in, and he doesn't see me. And I watch him telling himself a story with words I don't yet understand. And about 30 min later he emerges, refreshed and ready for another adventure.
Eight months of his life in Guatemala, six months of his life here.
All of those months shaping who he will be- and yet they are not the final determiner. It will always be part of his story that he is adopted, that he had mothers that loved him a lot, and that failed him (as I am already aware of in my own human limitations). He will have things that the world will say are limitations and that are advantages. Thank you God that you are larger, that there is more to the story you are writing through Samuel- more than the facts of this life, more than the circumstances- they will add description, but you will develop the soul.
Thank you that I have the privilege of being around for the process. Keep teaching me how to teach, to nurture, to have wisdom....and to hold it all loosely.