Decisions

How do you make decision?

I'm an analytical person- list of pros and cons and spreadsheets that weight different values.
I'm a person of faith- lots of prayer, listening and noticing.
I'm an ESFJ- so whatever that might mean for decision making- along with externally processing it all.

I mention all of this to talk about a decision I made a month ago. I was forwarded a job description. Not just any job description, but one that sounded like it was made just for me. It combined finance- using my mba and analytical skills, purpose- a non profit that I believe in and a focus on at-risk girls and women- playing into my all womens college eduation that always draws me into strenghtening and bringing tenderness into womens lives.

And it was 15 hours a week. And the pay was great- on par for a full time job.

So of course I would apply for it. At least apply and see what happens. The next hour I would think, I love staying home with Samuel- I'm not going to apply. But only 15 hours a week- that's nothing. I could work 3 five hour days or 5 three hour days or maybe 2 full days- I'll apply. But I went through a similiar decision last fall and made the decision to stay home- I'll not apply.

And so went my own "mommy wars" in my mind.

And so increased the conversation I had with Rob and with my mom and with friends. Keep in mind this was only in the decision to apply. If it caused this much thought, why not at least apply and it might not even be a decision I have to make. But deep in my soul it seemed so important to know what I wanted, to have some intention.

I honestly couldn't figure it out. Couldn't figure out why I changed day by day. How can I feel so differently moment by moment?

And then one day at the childrens museum, I had a revelation. I was watching Samuel play. I loved watching his intensity as he was figuring out how the water flowed. With tears, I thought, this is what I want. I want to spend this season with him...and am grateful it is an option, although not without sacrifice. And I knew I wasn't going to apply for the job, that I didn't want to work 15 hours a week....and for a moment felt freedom from guilt for that thought.

And then I asked God, will I change my mind tomorrow? Why do I keep changing?

And it felt so clear. "I do not feel I am making this decision just for me. I am making it for all women." As I have reflected on that, I realized I couldn't hear my own voice due to all the other voices, important voices. In this season, I had knowledge of what I wanted- but felt it was "irresponsible" or "selfish" to decide just for me. Does that make sense?

I was feeling that if I stayed home I was saying all women should stay home. And if I worked I was saying women should work. I don't feel either one of those is true. There are a lot of circumstances, desires, gifting that lead women to making one or the other decisions. Along with a lot of the same that lead women into feeling they "have to" stay home or work.

I asked Rob if he understood. And he said yes...but "I have never felt I am making a decision for all white men." Interesting. As much as I knew I wasn't obviously wasn't deciding for all, I felt such weight in what I decided.

Through this process, being able to identify why I was struggling, I feel I have come out on the other side with a freedom. To be able to say, without defense, I am going to stay home. I do not think it is the "right" thing to do. I do not know if it is what I will decide in another season of life. But I am confident it is what my heart and soul is calling forth from me.

So how do you make decisions?
And for women, have you been caught in the mommy wars? And how do you hear what your heart is calling you to?

love
melanie