Season of No

Below is a poem I wrote in the spring or summer of 2004.
I read it at my MOPS talk and thought I'd post it here....it gives some perspective to what it is for me to hope again, hope that Samuel will really be our son, hope that buying diaper wipes at Target isn't in vain, hoping that in a week we really will be holding our son.

Season of No
Walking in this land
has become familiar.
Searching for an answer
to my barrenness.
At the crux of each hill
Dreams invite,
This may be the one.

But at the top of the hill
No crashes in.
Thunder and lightening
Clouds grey
Sometimes complete darkness.

The form No takes is limitless.
my own body betraying us
rejecting the life growing…
And again- just to ensure we remember

Another mother saying yes.
and then as life comes
a change of heart.
One No and the landscape changes.
Rose no longer ours…
And again- just to ensure we remember

A new hill appears before us,
one we didn’t pursue.
A yes
Hope again companions us,
Labors up the hill
And then termination
Of a life
Aborting dreams of ours.

Each month is another No
Mocking
What seems a natural path
For all others.


Sometimes I want to stay
At the top of the hill
Never journey further
Here it is safe and I am protected.

Sometimes I want to run
to the next hill
Flee from where I am.
I’ll be more aggressive
Demand the yes.

But I sit at the top
In darkness
And mourn
Weep
Grieve

Shouts of anger
Rage
At the one who could
have made this different.
I should have known better.

Weary legs amaze me
When they rise
Responding

To a cry from within
I don’t want to hear.
You are made to give life
This is your desire.

Hope, can you possibly be
brave enough,
Strong enough
To keep showing up?
With no guarantees
In this messiness
To walk through this season
Where every hill is
NO