Feeling Down

Today has been a blah day.

After work, I met Joy at the newly opened Panera Bread- and we both recognized that we were quieter than what is typical. (This is the woman I shared an office with at work- we were not short on things to talk about.) And while I know there were lots of reasons why I felt quiet.....

I kept feeling there was something bugging me that I couldn't put my finger on. After I left I was talking with God, trying to figure out exactly why I felt so blah. And I think a big part of it was an email we received from our social worker. At the time I read it, I didn't think too much- but when I let myself really feel, it brought such disappointment and some fear.

The title simply said "Gillgrist- still in PGN"

And the text only said "Gillgrist family is still in PGN since July 5th. Cases currently coming out of PGN were submitted early June."

From that it would seem that we are a month away from being out.

And I had thought we could possibly be out last week- and was thinking definitely by the end of next week.

There are no guarantees and no one that knows when we will be OUT for sure. I have read on my adoption discussion boards of people's cases getting out that were submitted mid June to early July. So either could be true- we are out this week or we have another month to go.

I have known that the adoption journey is not for the faint of heart (nor as I recently read the "sound of mind")

But with the email, as it expanded my time frame, it also brought an acknowledgement that this is beyond my control and that at times I need to just let out a big sigh and turn it all over again.

I also know that in reality the email itself is not "good or bad" news. But it does bring up seven years of stories and loss for me. Seven years of being so close- of living in the "not yet".
I have to fight to keep my mind from believing things that are not true. Of things that are not true about myself as a mother and things that are not true of God's character.

Will you pray for my discouragement.....

Will you pray that our file is reviewed this week- and boldly that we will have a call saying we are OUT?

And that there is nothing that unneccessarily delays or distorts or deceives in this process.


thank you

love

melanie